Confused... is also a choice.

I got a dozen roses from TC today. I knew something was coming, but I didn't know what... and BRAVO to me for not getting too attached to what it might be...

Still... they arrived with a card that simply said, "For Lil Glo -Tomcat," and I kind of reeled. It didn't say "Marry me" or "I love you." A dozen red and pink roses and I had no idea what they were for or what they meant.

ACIM teaches me that they mean nothing other than the meaning I place on them... and I'm doing my best to place no meaning at all. I did, however, want to know what meaning HE placed on them. You know what... that means he is still in the doorway to my heart, and no one else is going to be able to get in until I remove him... whether it's by getting him all the way in, or taking him all the way out.

Then I called him... to thank him for the roses and to feel him out. I was an absolute pussy. All he said was, "I thought they'd be nice for you," and I let it go. I'm still in a place of such fear and dis-empowerment... afraid that he'll reject me yet again... though I know that it's me who has rejected myself in the process.

Why am I not letting TC go? It's been SO long. Why do I hold so tightly to something that has never really worked? Why is it TC? Would it be anyone? Was it just a timing issue?

AT thinks I just need to have a huge cry and feel the loss of him as deeply as possible... and then he'll just be out of the doorway. I'm too scared to even do that... to just cry, do a little Psy-K... why?

It is really TC, or just the meaning/feelings I've placed on him? If the latter, why did I place them and why can't I RE-place them? Why am I SO afraid that I won't love anyone else... and that they won't love me back at all?