Confused... is also a choice.

I got a dozen roses from TC today. I knew something was coming, but I didn't know what... and BRAVO to me for not getting too attached to what it might be...

Still... they arrived with a card that simply said, "For Lil Glo -Tomcat," and I kind of reeled. It didn't say "Marry me" or "I love you." A dozen red and pink roses and I had no idea what they were for or what they meant.

ACIM teaches me that they mean nothing other than the meaning I place on them... and I'm doing my best to place no meaning at all. I did, however, want to know what meaning HE placed on them. You know what... that means he is still in the doorway to my heart, and no one else is going to be able to get in until I remove him... whether it's by getting him all the way in, or taking him all the way out.

Then I called him... to thank him for the roses and to feel him out. I was an absolute pussy. All he said was, "I thought they'd be nice for you," and I let it go. I'm still in a place of such fear and dis-empowerment... afraid that he'll reject me yet again... though I know that it's me who has rejected myself in the process.

Why am I not letting TC go? It's been SO long. Why do I hold so tightly to something that has never really worked? Why is it TC? Would it be anyone? Was it just a timing issue?

AT thinks I just need to have a huge cry and feel the loss of him as deeply as possible... and then he'll just be out of the doorway. I'm too scared to even do that... to just cry, do a little Psy-K... why?

It is really TC, or just the meaning/feelings I've placed on him? If the latter, why did I place them and why can't I RE-place them? Why am I SO afraid that I won't love anyone else... and that they won't love me back at all?

Evolve

It's been a long time and a lot has happened since I last posted here, but today has been about taking a few steps back and viewing the past in a new way so that I can move forward again... stronger, wiser, more evolved.

I have had revelations... revelation after revelation, in fact... and for some reason, I rarely seem to stay in those places of new understanding for long. Perhaps it's because I'm so impatient with myself. I need to grow. I need to grow faster. I need to be perfect... or as perfect as possible. I need to get brilliant right here, right now... no time for error...

No time to let anything actually sink in.

I forever feel like I'm in some sort of trouble... so I have to keep pushing forward. I feel like I'm in trouble right this very moment, but with whom and for what? I have no idea. It's self talk, ridiculousness, old patterns finding ever sneakier, more insidious ways to play themselves out.

Today, however, I had a new kind of revelation... the kind that made me stop, and marinate on it, and savor every nuance, see every facet... I realized a new angle to my "story" which then made me ask myself the question, "Why did I ever stop doing what I loved? Why did no one ask why I always say 'used to' when it comes to those things I say I do? Why do I run away from things that fill me up?"

Why did I stop volunteering for hospice? Why did I give up music? Why do I never paint or take photos anymore?

Doing what I love somehow got turned into being selfish... and it didn't fit the "givers gain" model I'd completely distorted. I forgot that I have to give to myself in order to give to others, as simple and cliche as that sounds.

See?! There it is again! Resistance!

It is the one year anniversary of my first Vision Seminar. Wow. No wonder today was huge. We tend to subconsciously recreate important dates. I had a mini seminar of my own today, that's for sure! And the man who introduced me to Vision is the very one who held up a much needed mirror for me today. Remarkable, isn't it?! Our brains are so amazingly powerful!

"Glo, you keep trying to be the student, thinking you have to learn more, that don't know enough... but every person I've introduced you to... knows that you are a teacher." Ah-ha! I get it. Furthermore, I have kept myself stuck in "teachers' pet," not just student... but a student who constantly vies for her "superiors'" attention... PAYS for it, begs for it... because she doesn't truly believe she is worthy just as she is.

Craziness.

And now I have to run... because my life is calling and I'm tired of missing it.