Working

I've been working.  I've been playing with some of the images I captured on Fall River Road last Monday.  Shadows and twigs...   bullet holes and rust.  These reflect how I'm feeling in a most pointed way.

I've created a life full of holes.  Perhaps in expressing them...  I can fill them.

There is an indigo rust that has crept in.  It isn't laziness...  it is depression of an idle sort.  It is lethargy and ice.  I wonder, sometimes, if this is how it feels to die in a mountain blizzard.  You read so often that, before one freezes to death, a person begins to feel comfortable and calm in spite of the cold.  Laughing in the face of death.  Not a loud, hysterical laugh, but a cool, low rumble.

Feeling warm at thirty below.  Growing content...  perhaps complacent...   with the sadness and anxiety that you alone have created.

Crying because there is something satisfying in seeing your mascara run.

Escapism

This is one of those days during which I simply want to hibernate under the quilts with my dog...  and perhaps a good book...   a book not requiring much independent thought...    a storybook, perhaps...  some grown-up fairytale.

It is rare for me to actually follow through on this impulse, however.  I may take a little nap...  or read a chapter of something simple...    but eventually guilt sets in and I'm up.  Today is no exception.  Though I wanted to stay in bed with Talula curled up in the curve of my fetal position, I was up by 8am, on the jobs lists by 8:30, and in the shower by 10.  I took Talula home (I was at Tom's, you see), picked up Melanie's address, sent her painting out at the post office, and headed to Stella's to work on the latest "pet project."

My friend Jill asked me to work on a portrait of her dog Wendell.  "Wendy" is a black Scottish terrier mix and the sketches are coming out quite...   cute.  I'm happy to have work.  I'm glad that people are excited about what I can do with paint.

But dogs?  Could someone please pay me to do something a little more...   inspiring?

I had coffee with a friend Saturday evening.  He said he would commission "my feelings," if only he weren't a poor teacher.  We laughed...   at me, mostly.  Why would I think that anyone would want to pay me to create something only I understand?  Who would honestly want to commission my emotions?

This set me in a small depression.  

I made a tweet this morning about wanting to paint something special for someone...  anyone...  and the only request I received?!  "You mean, you could do a giraffe?  They're my favs!"

Ugh.

Would someone please be my muse?  Someone who isn't currently obsessed with their pet or their animal spirit?  Tell me how you are feeling...   tell me your favorite things, your favorite colors and music...   and I'll paint YOU.

After Wendell and the giraffe...  I am going to do a series.  My friends.  Carolyn, Mel, Tom, you?  That will be the first set I will bring to Stella's to sell.

In truth, I need to focus on something/someone other than myself.  I need direction, outside inspiritation and guidance.  I don't want to paint what I feel right now...   grey and blue and winter...   not now.  I need to get out of my own head.  I need an escape from ME.

I've been slacking on my posts, yes.  I've also been slacking in the painting department.  Haven't started anything new since finishing Olive.  I've vowed to start something on Monday...  Would someone please give me an assignment?

Stacy and I plan to snow shoe tomorrow, but the weather seems to be stirring up a bit of trouble.  We are already under a winter storm watch and I've seen the clouds rolling in and the temps dropping all day.  It would be a huge disappointment for Stacy, but I must say...  I'd welcome the reprieve.  Tomorrow is the MSU vs. UConn game and, in spite of my typical lack of interest in all things sports, I would really like to watch this game with a beer or two in hand.  I love seeing the Spartans win!  It must be the Capricorn part of my soul.

The garden is progressing astonishingly well!  Sprouts so far:  Onion, basil, tomato, cucumber, squash, cantaloupe, lavender, brussels sprouts, kohlrabi, peppers, cabbage and watermelon!  Only a few herbs have yet to show their little green heads!  I sing to them every day and I can't wait to settle them into their bed in a few weeks.

Ah-ha!  My next painting will be of sprouts!  Something simple in browns, golds and greens.  Mmmm...

I began reading Conversations With God last night.  I've avoided it as I somehow assumed it was cheesy nonsense.  I am, however, pleasantly surprised.  Today I've been meditating on the possibility that God doesn't care what we do...   so much as HOW we do it.  The analogy in the book is this:  Does a mother care what game a child chooses to play, whether it is hopscotch or kick the can?  No.  The mother only cares that the child plays nicely, tries its best, etc.  I love that idea...  that I am a child released into God's backyard to play.  I can play whatever I choose.

It isn't what...  but how.

Stop Counting and Just Do!

I am proud of myself, frankly, as I tend not to stick with any exercise or diet regime for more than a day or two.  I've gotten in at least 30 minutes of heart pumping work-out a day AND I went grocery shopping yesterday, spending more than an hour searching for foods which are organic/natural/healthy.  Why an hour?  Especially for only $53 worth of groceries?  

Healthy food is expensive.  Don't let anyone tell you it isn't.  Organic produce seemed to be at least $0.25-$0.50/lb. more expensive on average.  Newman's Own salad dressing compared to Kroger or Kraft?!  Ugh!  And all natural Boulder Ice Cream?  I know...  I don't NEED ice cream, technically, but if I don't have something sweet around, I end up eating more of something else...  or running to Safeway to grab Cadbury Eggs!

Alas, it is worth the added expense, I suppose, to clean the toxins from my brain.

What does any of this have to do with "business?"  As I said before, toxic in/toxic out.  I have far more creative energy when I'm

 feeding myself well and taking care of my body.  Vowing to exercise every time I'm in front of the television also keeps me from spending so much time being mindless.  I don't want to work out for hours and hours...   I'd rather be outside, doing something productive or inspiring.

I'm going to start planting herbs and a few veggies in Stacy's "garden."  I'm not sure we are out of frost danger yet...    but I have plenty of seeds left from Botswana and can start over if the need arises.  Gardening always lifts my soul!  Growing your own food connects you to your divine self!  Helping something green come from the dirt...   makes you feel closer to God.  It also makes for some pretty great photography!

What is more beautiful than tender sprouts pushing their way up into the sun, green tendrils of morning glories wrapping themselves around the fence, or flowers turning into cucumbers?

It's going to be in the mid-70's this weekend!  Perfect gardening weather!

I am also heading up to the mountains tomorrow to take some photos if the air is clear.  The snow seems to be vanishing already! Long's is nearly bald!  

I keep thinking that we will get at least one more big snow storm before the end of the season, but...  I'm not longer so sure.  We never really got a first "big one."

Day 3: The Artist's Die - ette

Things are going well on nearly all fronts.  I have done an hour on the Gazelle each day...  and even jogged around the block last night just to test my stamina.  (Result:  None)  I've been eating well and have completely cut out soda.  (Sparkling water doesn't count, right?)

No caffeine either.  Oops!  Cutting caffeine out cold turkey is not going well.  That's the "nearly" part up there...   Headache, tired, cranky.  Yep, that's me.  I had to put down the Olive portrait today because I was getting verbally abusive toward the poor dog!  (Good thing she is safely hundreds of miles away!)

So, I came to Stella's to have a cup of green tea figuring a LITTLE caffeine can't hurt, right?  Ugh.  You'd think I was raised Catholic...  as the guilt sneaked up while I was ordering and forced me to get a steamer instead.

I'm soothed though.  And I'm ready to go back to the house and keep painting.  I'm also vowing to work out while I watch my reality TV indulgence tonight...  America's Next Top Model!  I'm telling you, though I doubt you'll believe me, the only reason I love that show is for the photography aspect!  I LOVE seeing the finished products after a shoot!  And I love the hair and make-up transformations, too.  The drama I can totally do without, I swear!

Although...  sometimes those catty, immature little girls manage to make me feel better about myself!  ;-)

I need to buy a different camera, by the way.  If anyone has a digital SLR that they are looking to sell, please let me know!  I can't afford a new one, obviously, so...   if you are ready for an upgrade and want your old baby to go to a new, loving home...  I'm your mama!

Day 1: The Artist's Diet

This is day one of Child of Tree, the business, and I am changing more than just my "official profession."  I got up this morning planning to paint all day.  Unfortunately, my first commission is a portrait of a dog and I was a bit uninspired.  I had rich, crazy, disturbing dreams last night and felt them swirling around me, making me edgy.  I needed to move.

I went to the basement to grab some laundry and discovered that my friend Stacy has a Gazelle I've somehow never noticed before!  How this is possible is simply beyond me...  not her having a piece of exercise equipment, but that I somehow MISSED it!  It's not like me to miss anything, much less a rather substantially sized machine, sitting in plain sight, in a room I use at least once a week!  It's as if Providence placed it there for me just today.

I moved the Gazelle to the downstairs living room, got out my iPod, and did a 60 minute workout.  It was exactly that I needed to shake the previous night's images and kick start this new chapter in life.  I've packed on some extra pounds during this 6 months of unemployment.  It's time to shed those along with the negative energy in which I've been sulking as of late.

Being on the Gazelle gave me time to think about ideas for this portrait of Mel's dog.  There were no distractions...  just me and my creative stew pot.  After working out and showering, I'd planned to paint outside.  (The weather here in Denver is amazing!)  Unfortunately, I started getting emails to my cell which required some attention and a trip to Stella's, my favorite coffee house and WiFi connection.

So, here I am, sipping jasmine tea on a sun-soaked porch and attending to "old business."  I wanted to have a bagel and cream cheese or a lovely scone, but let's keep turning over new leaves!  No more junk!  I am only going to put healthy, nature stuff into my body...   This is my thinking:

How can an artist expect to get any beauty out of themselves if they are stuffing their bodies full of chemicals, pollutants, toxins, etc.?  

I am hereby publicly committing myself to my new "Artist's Diet."  This will consist of eating well, drinking more water, getting in a workout at least 5 days/wk., and getting out into the sun as much as possible.  This also includes doing something creative every single day, period!  No excuses!  This is what I hired myself to do, right?!  I need to tend to myself holistically...  to foster a healthy body to house a healthy soul.

I need to go down a new path.

That said, it is time to leave Stella's, make myself a beautiful, wholesome meal, and start painting little Olive's portrait!

Starting From Nothing

Here's the scoop:

I am going to stop being so negative about being jobless and just...   create a job!  I am starting my own "business."

Child of Tree

Art . Photography . Inspiration

Yes, I'm starting from nothing...  but that is an obstacle easily overcome.  I have great friends, people who love what I create, and business contacts who, though perhaps infrequently, sometimes need a little marketing work done.

All I really need is to get just a couple, or a few, or a handful of people to buy some of my work who are willing to pay up front so that I can use their investment to get the stuff printed/painted/created.  

I already have one taker...   Melanie!  I just have to paint a protrait of Olive!  Easily done!  I have a couple canvas boards and a bit of paint.  I'm sure I can turn something out that she will love.  

That will be the seed money to then invest in more supplies.  Then I can put a small collection together to hang in Stella's.

It's all very elementary, I realize.  Friends tell me to do this over and over again.  The problem has been one of confidence.  This problem has been overcome by one much larger...    the matter of finance!

My bills are really piling up!  I mean...   it's ridiculous.  If I listed out all of my debt, I would probably fall into a very deep funk...   and take you down with me!  It's bad.  But why do I keep wasting my time doing cleaning jobs, posting other people's stuff to eBay, and walking dogs?  It would be far more satisfying to CREATE!  

I have to look at this as a "real job."  I can't just piddle around like I have for so long.  I have to employ myself!  I am on my own clock!  I am on my own payroll!  There truly is no need to keep depending on others to provide me with work.  All I really need is me, so to speak.

So, I have created this business.  I have made (free) business cards.  I changed my email address.  I created this blog.  I am moving forward...   hiring myself!

Why "Child of Tree?"  Besides the fact that I've used this as my Xanga handle for several years now, I chose Child of Tree because it inspires me.  John Cage began writing the piece Child of Tree in the first year of my life and had its premier in my home state of Michigan.  The piece is nothing more than a set of performance instructions telling the musician to chose 10 natural "instruments," things found in nature.  One instrument should be a type of seed pod that only grows in my beloved southwest.  The others could be leaves, grass, cacti, pine cones...  you name it.  They simply have to be plant materials.  The times and order of the performance are decided by "chance operations."  Cage was fond of the use of the iChing in his compositions.  

I first heard this piece in college when my percussion professor Dr. Alison Shaw played a video of her performance of the piece for our History of Percussion course.  I was mesmorized!  Nature, chance, music...    brought together in this amazingly moving way!  It called to my very soul and inspired me in a way no other art had.

I also chose Child of Tree because it reminds me of myself as a child dancing in the forest around Higgins Lake in Michigan.  I found, and still find trees to be mystical creatures and intimate friends.  Who doesn't feel like a child when in the woods?  Trees beckon us to climb, to dance, to daydream.  Trees are life giving.

I played with other ideas for the name of my business.  One Divine Spark sounded too lonely.  The Thirsty Fish seemed better suited to a coffee house or dervish studio.  Celestial Tortoise?  Yikes!  Child of Tree is perfectly suited to me and to my creative heart.

So...  here we go!  Off on a new adventure.  Just me...   

... a Child of Tree.