In KCMO - Camera In Hand

I plan to take some time to photograph, photograph, photograph while I'm in KC with Pam.  Yes, there is a lot of work to do...   but I feel free enough to take time to WORK, too.

Shot a bit while watching Maya the other day.  I'm not a nature photographer, that is certain.  It's time to get back to what I do best.

I'd really love to take the money I earn here and spend it on a good digital SLR.  It's an investment...   and a good one...   with a fabulous micro lens...   and a tripod and cable release...

Oh, the good ol' days with the Nikon F3!  How I miss them!  It's such a shame that I pawned her.  Of course...  she was getting on in years...   and perhaps was even a tad...   dare I say it...   obsolete?!

Still Here

Not that anyone reads this...    and not that I'm being self deprocating...   Still, I've gotten one comment since I started this and then...  I pretty much dropped off the face of this cyber-earth.

But I am still here, believe it or not, and I've still been working...   though not as much as I'd hoped.

Things have been difficult, though, as many of you know.  The love of my life has gone...  and it is tearing me open.  This isn't entiredly bad, though.  I am learning, growing...  I am becoming more my own.

I have been creaing a gorgeous garden in Stacy's back yard.  It has already given me so much!  It is only May, and no fruits will come until the end of June or later...   but the sprouts and herbs and flowers are glorious and I can't get enough time with them.

Talula is happily engaged in much squirrel patrolling, too.  What a joyful little creature she is!  I swear, some days I only get up because she urges me!  That tiny dog has been more than a pet...  more than a companion.  She is an angel...   wiser than any human at times, and at least twice as loving.

I will be heading to KCMO next week...   staying at least two weeks, possibly a full month.  I'm so grateful to have a "job," something on which to focus other than myself and my grief.  As they say, helping others is often the best way to help yourself.

Now, to find someone who will water the garden while I am gone.

Working

I've been working.  I've been playing with some of the images I captured on Fall River Road last Monday.  Shadows and twigs...   bullet holes and rust.  These reflect how I'm feeling in a most pointed way.

I've created a life full of holes.  Perhaps in expressing them...  I can fill them.

There is an indigo rust that has crept in.  It isn't laziness...  it is depression of an idle sort.  It is lethargy and ice.  I wonder, sometimes, if this is how it feels to die in a mountain blizzard.  You read so often that, before one freezes to death, a person begins to feel comfortable and calm in spite of the cold.  Laughing in the face of death.  Not a loud, hysterical laugh, but a cool, low rumble.

Feeling warm at thirty below.  Growing content...  perhaps complacent...   with the sadness and anxiety that you alone have created.

Crying because there is something satisfying in seeing your mascara run.

Escapism

This is one of those days during which I simply want to hibernate under the quilts with my dog...  and perhaps a good book...   a book not requiring much independent thought...    a storybook, perhaps...  some grown-up fairytale.

It is rare for me to actually follow through on this impulse, however.  I may take a little nap...  or read a chapter of something simple...    but eventually guilt sets in and I'm up.  Today is no exception.  Though I wanted to stay in bed with Talula curled up in the curve of my fetal position, I was up by 8am, on the jobs lists by 8:30, and in the shower by 10.  I took Talula home (I was at Tom's, you see), picked up Melanie's address, sent her painting out at the post office, and headed to Stella's to work on the latest "pet project."

My friend Jill asked me to work on a portrait of her dog Wendell.  "Wendy" is a black Scottish terrier mix and the sketches are coming out quite...   cute.  I'm happy to have work.  I'm glad that people are excited about what I can do with paint.

But dogs?  Could someone please pay me to do something a little more...   inspiring?

I had coffee with a friend Saturday evening.  He said he would commission "my feelings," if only he weren't a poor teacher.  We laughed...   at me, mostly.  Why would I think that anyone would want to pay me to create something only I understand?  Who would honestly want to commission my emotions?

This set me in a small depression.  

I made a tweet this morning about wanting to paint something special for someone...  anyone...  and the only request I received?!  "You mean, you could do a giraffe?  They're my favs!"

Ugh.

Would someone please be my muse?  Someone who isn't currently obsessed with their pet or their animal spirit?  Tell me how you are feeling...   tell me your favorite things, your favorite colors and music...   and I'll paint YOU.

After Wendell and the giraffe...  I am going to do a series.  My friends.  Carolyn, Mel, Tom, you?  That will be the first set I will bring to Stella's to sell.

In truth, I need to focus on something/someone other than myself.  I need direction, outside inspiritation and guidance.  I don't want to paint what I feel right now...   grey and blue and winter...   not now.  I need to get out of my own head.  I need an escape from ME.

I've been slacking on my posts, yes.  I've also been slacking in the painting department.  Haven't started anything new since finishing Olive.  I've vowed to start something on Monday...  Would someone please give me an assignment?

Stacy and I plan to snow shoe tomorrow, but the weather seems to be stirring up a bit of trouble.  We are already under a winter storm watch and I've seen the clouds rolling in and the temps dropping all day.  It would be a huge disappointment for Stacy, but I must say...  I'd welcome the reprieve.  Tomorrow is the MSU vs. UConn game and, in spite of my typical lack of interest in all things sports, I would really like to watch this game with a beer or two in hand.  I love seeing the Spartans win!  It must be the Capricorn part of my soul.

The garden is progressing astonishingly well!  Sprouts so far:  Onion, basil, tomato, cucumber, squash, cantaloupe, lavender, brussels sprouts, kohlrabi, peppers, cabbage and watermelon!  Only a few herbs have yet to show their little green heads!  I sing to them every day and I can't wait to settle them into their bed in a few weeks.

Ah-ha!  My next painting will be of sprouts!  Something simple in browns, golds and greens.  Mmmm...

I began reading Conversations With God last night.  I've avoided it as I somehow assumed it was cheesy nonsense.  I am, however, pleasantly surprised.  Today I've been meditating on the possibility that God doesn't care what we do...   so much as HOW we do it.  The analogy in the book is this:  Does a mother care what game a child chooses to play, whether it is hopscotch or kick the can?  No.  The mother only cares that the child plays nicely, tries its best, etc.  I love that idea...  that I am a child released into God's backyard to play.  I can play whatever I choose.

It isn't what...  but how.

Stop Counting and Just Do!

I am proud of myself, frankly, as I tend not to stick with any exercise or diet regime for more than a day or two.  I've gotten in at least 30 minutes of heart pumping work-out a day AND I went grocery shopping yesterday, spending more than an hour searching for foods which are organic/natural/healthy.  Why an hour?  Especially for only $53 worth of groceries?  

Healthy food is expensive.  Don't let anyone tell you it isn't.  Organic produce seemed to be at least $0.25-$0.50/lb. more expensive on average.  Newman's Own salad dressing compared to Kroger or Kraft?!  Ugh!  And all natural Boulder Ice Cream?  I know...  I don't NEED ice cream, technically, but if I don't have something sweet around, I end up eating more of something else...  or running to Safeway to grab Cadbury Eggs!

Alas, it is worth the added expense, I suppose, to clean the toxins from my brain.

What does any of this have to do with "business?"  As I said before, toxic in/toxic out.  I have far more creative energy when I'm

 feeding myself well and taking care of my body.  Vowing to exercise every time I'm in front of the television also keeps me from spending so much time being mindless.  I don't want to work out for hours and hours...   I'd rather be outside, doing something productive or inspiring.

I'm going to start planting herbs and a few veggies in Stacy's "garden."  I'm not sure we are out of frost danger yet...    but I have plenty of seeds left from Botswana and can start over if the need arises.  Gardening always lifts my soul!  Growing your own food connects you to your divine self!  Helping something green come from the dirt...   makes you feel closer to God.  It also makes for some pretty great photography!

What is more beautiful than tender sprouts pushing their way up into the sun, green tendrils of morning glories wrapping themselves around the fence, or flowers turning into cucumbers?

It's going to be in the mid-70's this weekend!  Perfect gardening weather!

I am also heading up to the mountains tomorrow to take some photos if the air is clear.  The snow seems to be vanishing already! Long's is nearly bald!  

I keep thinking that we will get at least one more big snow storm before the end of the season, but...  I'm not longer so sure.  We never really got a first "big one."

Day 3: The Artist's Die - ette

Things are going well on nearly all fronts.  I have done an hour on the Gazelle each day...  and even jogged around the block last night just to test my stamina.  (Result:  None)  I've been eating well and have completely cut out soda.  (Sparkling water doesn't count, right?)

No caffeine either.  Oops!  Cutting caffeine out cold turkey is not going well.  That's the "nearly" part up there...   Headache, tired, cranky.  Yep, that's me.  I had to put down the Olive portrait today because I was getting verbally abusive toward the poor dog!  (Good thing she is safely hundreds of miles away!)

So, I came to Stella's to have a cup of green tea figuring a LITTLE caffeine can't hurt, right?  Ugh.  You'd think I was raised Catholic...  as the guilt sneaked up while I was ordering and forced me to get a steamer instead.

I'm soothed though.  And I'm ready to go back to the house and keep painting.  I'm also vowing to work out while I watch my reality TV indulgence tonight...  America's Next Top Model!  I'm telling you, though I doubt you'll believe me, the only reason I love that show is for the photography aspect!  I LOVE seeing the finished products after a shoot!  And I love the hair and make-up transformations, too.  The drama I can totally do without, I swear!

Although...  sometimes those catty, immature little girls manage to make me feel better about myself!  ;-)

I need to buy a different camera, by the way.  If anyone has a digital SLR that they are looking to sell, please let me know!  I can't afford a new one, obviously, so...   if you are ready for an upgrade and want your old baby to go to a new, loving home...  I'm your mama!